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February 22, 2012
I really thought I was a patient person until I began this adoption process. I’ve generally been a go with the flow, roll with the punches kind of girl. But, now that we’ve been waiting over 15 months to bring our son home from South Korea, I’ve realized that the go with the flow girl has been replaced by a girl who has lost all patience.
I was laughing the other day when I was thinking about my kids and their own journeys…Mason & Miles arrived 10 weeks early. They both had struggles in the NICU, Mason arrived home after 6 weeks in the NICU, and Miles arrived in the arms of our Savior after 3 months in the NICU. Millie decided to not be outdone by her brothers and arrived 5 weeks early. She stopped breathing & was critical her first 24 hours. She only spent a week in the NICU, but it was a scary one! And then there’s Madden. One reason we chose Korea was that the process was stable and predicatable…that is until we enter the process! When we started, babies were coming home around their first birthdays. We prepared ourselves that he would be 12-15 months old when he came home…then 15-18 months….then 21 months…and now, who knows??? Mason, Miles, and Millie were all really early, Madden is really late…my kids all follow their own crazy timelines! 🙂 We’ve been told he’d be home in February since last May. February is now almost over and they haven’t started any adoptions as of this year in Korea. I know Madden will be one of the first ones to come home once they do begin in the process. But…we are still waiting. And once they begin the process, it’s generally 4-6 weeks until they come home. But, I’m not believing any timelines anymore. It is so hard to adjust my expectations over and over and over and over. My stomach and been in knots, I now have more gray hairs, and I’ve eaten more chocolate this past month than one should eat in a year. I am so ready to jump on a plane and meet my sweet boy. I just have no idea when that will be.
I recently downloaded Kari Jobe’s new album & it was like each song was written for me during this journey. I have played it over and over since I bought it! (If you need an encouraging album…go buy it!!) There’s a song on there called “Steady My Heart.” My heart has been feeling unsettled because I have no control at all during this process. But, I trust in the One with all control and need to continue to lean on Him to steady my heart.
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You’re here
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan
And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
(and then I hit repeat and listen again and again…I know He’s in control. He’s not surprised by any of this. Thank you, God, for steadying my heart.)
The plan was for me to be on “maternity” leave in February and March, but it looks like he won’t be home until early April, so I’ve decided to go ahead and open up my calendar for the month of March & I’ll just keep going month to month until he gets home. Once he arrives, I will only be photographing weddings for a couple of months while he adjusts. Once he seems to be adjusting and we’ve settled into a routine, I’ll open up my availability calendar again to photographing high school seniors and families.
I’m looking forward to a 2012 full of adventure…it’s been quite the roller coaster ride so far!
Thank you all for keeping me and my family in your prayers. I can’t say thank you enough. I am so grateful. Please continue to pray as we continue to learn to wait.