I am so sorry for my neglecting of this blog. Between taking a week of to celebrate Miles’ Heaven day & just the busyness of the end of year activities at school, it’s been a little crazy around here. I’m going to get caught up on the blog this week so you can see all of the beautiful families and babies I’ve photographed here recently!
On my last blog post, I gave an update on our adoption. That has all since changed. again. sigh.
On Friday morning, I was reading the blog of a fellow adoptive parent who is adopting a baby from Korea & going through the same agency in Korea. Her son’s birthday is a month before Madden’s & they found out they will be traveling in July. I started getting so excited because I knew that meant that we would be traveling in August/September. I’ve always said November, but was hopeful for September based on how things were tracking. I was smiling all day long.
Until I checked my email that afternoon.
The subject matter of the email was on the adoption quota being reached for this year in Korea with our agency. Babies with acceptance paperwork after 12/1/10 would not be traveling this year and would instead travel in February of 2012. Our acceptance paperwork was 12/9/10. We missed the cut off by 9 days. I immediately called my social worker and found out it was true. I went into full sob mode while on the phone with her. You know, the kind of cry where you just kind of gasp for air and snot is running down your face? Yeah…that ugly cry. My eyes were huge and red and splotchy. I just could not believe the news that I was hearing. Madden will come home when he is 21 months old. When we signed up with our agency, we were told babies would come home between 12 & 15 months. Then, it changed to around 18 months. Now…he’s going to be 21 months. (at this point, I just hope he’s here in time for his 16th birthday!!) After I hung up with my social worker, Tyler & I told the kids that Madden won’t be here this fall, won’t be here at Christmas, and will be here around Valentine’s day. They were definitely disappointed. I hate it that they are having to wait soooooo long for their brother. And, I hate it that we will have 2 empty stockings again this year at Christmas.
I pulled myself together and worked at our school carnival on Friday night. I’m sure everyone was wondering what was wrong with my face…strange allergic reaction that made my face all red and eyes puffy? I cried to a couple of friends there, I cried at Godfather’s pizza that night, and I cried when I got home. I just can’t believe that we are going to miss out on his babyhood. I feel so robbed of this time with him, and I know that this will make his transition much harder when he comes home.
I woke up Saturday feeling bitter. I hate feeling bitter. I stood in my kitchen and started praying and I told God that I just wasn’t very happy with Him right now. He knows my heart and He knows my pain. I know that His strength is perfect…I know that His timing is perfect…it’s just not feeling so perfect right now. I headed out and photographed a wedding (which was an AMAZING wedding & I can’t wait to show you the photos.) The wedding was a great distraction for me and I truly enjoyed the day. But, as soon as I walked in the door, bitter Kellie returned. She needed to go away & let happy Kellie return. Tyler was cutting cantaloupe that he said was a side for dinner on mother’s day, he showed me the steaks he bought, and he showed me the ice cream he picked out. I acted less than thrilled. Honestly, I acted like a brat. Bitter Kellie needs to go away. That night, I apologized for bitter Kellie’s actions & have told her to stay out of my house…she’s not wanted here.
(truth be told…she probably made her appearance a couple of times today…but it was only for a brief moment or two)
I definitely have a love/hate relationship with Mother’s day. I mourn the loss of my mom so much on this day, and the loss of Miles just feels so huge on this day. Then, to add in not getting Madden until 2012…it just was a tough day to get through mentally.
But, then you have Mason & Millie. My 2 HUGE rays of sunshine. The two amazing kids that crawled in my bed, covered me with kisses, reminded me how gross my morning breath is, and squealed with excitement when they gave me their cards and present. They painted me a beautiful canvas to go on our back patio & they each picked out cards for me. (the cards were a riot…I laughed and laughed.) I could not ask for more. My heart is so full. (Ok, I’m totally crying right now. Tears of joy.) I truly don’t deserve these two amazing kids. Seriously. They do not get much better than these two. I am so crazy proud of my children and love how much they love their mommy. I am so grateful God has allowed me to be their mommy…I am the luckiest (most blessed) mommy in the world.
Sure. This life has given me some major disappointments. But, when I step back and am reminded of all of the good that I’ve been given, I can’t help but smile. (and kick bitter Kellie to the curb.)
Happy Kellie has returned. (well, I know I’ll still have my days during this adoption process…and I will be relying on your prayers and support. But through your prayers, I know that I’ll be able to get through this season of waiting.) I am choosing to trust God through this process. He’s carried me this far, I know He’ll see me through. I’m so grateful for His love for me.